how strong do you think you really are?

i went. i saw. i stayed composed. i met. i broke down. i recomposed self. i stayed. i said goodbye. i left. i cried again.

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in many ways, i'm stronger than i imagine i could ever be. in many others, i crumble at the slightest twitch of circumstance.

he has always been this strong character in my life. i wouldn't say i've always been close to him personally, but if i had to pick say 5 of the closest cousins, he's without a doubt on that list of 5. so, seeing him sporting a new 'hairdo' and then hugging and kissing him forced me to be this emotionally-strong person. and then i had to utter some words to him as we hugged. and that just opened the dam for me. verbally, i apologized for not being in the know of his condition sooner. i apologized mainly though for having to see him in this condition. i broke down as i was picturing him on his worst of days undergoing his treatments. i broke down as i wondered how much stronger he must now be to face this new challenge. i broke down as after years of failed attempts, they (he and wife) finally have a child to call their own, albeit an adopted one. i broke down as the said-child is just the most adorable 2 year old boy with a vocabulary that matches a 4 year old, at the very least. i broke down as He is as maha berkuasa as He is brought them this child who remarkably really does resemble my cousin and his wife ... it's easy to forget they didn't make this child themselves. i broke down when he said "it's okay ... hey, i'm okay ...", when really, who was he kidding?

all of this spiralled around in my head as we hugged what was possibly the longest and tightest hugs between us. and then quickly i had to brush away these thoughts and almost literally suck back the tears that were coming out and wipe those that were already out.

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i guess all these tests are, cliche as this will sound, reminders to all of us to always be weary of our choices in life, to embrace each day as they come, to fall down and quickly pick ourselves up again, because at the end of the day, we really only have each other's love, support and sincerity to make living that bit more simpler and manageable.

in my cousin, i realise now that i love him that much more than i ever thought i did. and in many ways, realising it even if in unfortunate circumstance as this, is still very precious. i may not be as strong as i think i am, yet still stronger than i ever have been.

being a mother, i strongly feel has a lot to do with this. and for that, i'm thankful. Alhamdulillah ...